Instead of Divorce

Marriage has to be the most wonderful gift between a man and a woman. On the other hand, the most wonderful gift from God to a man and a woman is a baby. But both of the gifts come with a big responsibility.

It’s a lot of work to raise children and it’s a lot of work to keep a marriage together. But the rewards are so amazing. The rewards of a good marriage make life so AWESOME. It’s as though life is supposed to be that fulfilling.

But what happens when the love has gone stale or the beauty has faded?

I would like to offer one simple word of advice that has worked miracles for me.

My wife and I have been married for 35 years and, like many marriages, we have had our ups and downs. A few years ago, we were plagued with serious troublesome worries that were truly disturbing. This wasn’t directly about our relationship, but both of us were affected by the events. We often woke up at night and would stay awake for hours just thinking about problems.

At the time, we agreed together to force ourselves to only talk about positive things. And to never talk about our worries, nor about fears, nor about problems, none of that. And it totally changed the situation.

Those problems had put a serious strain on our relationship. So, I decided to rebuild my relationship with Linda in my own mind, by using the same principle of saying nothing but good things about Linda and to Linda.

This decision performed two awesome miracles. One, it changed my whole outlook in my own mind and therefore conditioned me to loving her so much more. I fell in love again. But it also did the same for Linda. She became everything that I was complimenting her for, and much more.

The fact of the matter is that we humans are fueled by compliments. No one likes to be criticized, condemned, or blamed, all the time. That does no good for no one.

I even complimented Linda for things that she was not (yet), and she became those things. Just because compliments make us want to be and do better.

It’s been proven in quantum physics that our mind cannot process toxic thoughts. Whenever we’re angry, or grumpy, jealous or bitter, we say the worst things, which oftentimes have no validity or sense. That’s why we are exhorted by the apostle Paul to only think on good things, “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think (only) about such things” (Phil 4:8).

I don’t think anyone can have a good marriage unless they apply the biblical principles of self-denial and humility. “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10). “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins“ (1 Peter 4:8).

I don’t think you can even make much progress in other areas of your life unless you work on your marriage first. Paul said, “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered“ (1 Peter 3:7:). In other words, the problems you have at home will affect all communication even in your workplace and especially with God. God is not divided.

I happen to be married to a beautiful woman, but beauty and romance can go out of a relationship when circumstantial troubles start piling up. But the tenderness can come back in by simply re-fueling the relationship with beauty of the heart. Let’s face it, beauty without virtue is a flower without perfume. Nothing is more beautiful than cheerfulness even in an older visage. The best facelift of all can be rather inexpensive… Try a smile.

A heart filled with self-denial and humility can reflect more beauty and charm than the outer beauty. Women and men with wit, charm, and warmth, who are interested in others and forget themselves, and who accept each stage of life gracefully, are the true and lasting beauties that make a marriage filled with joy and happiness. Real beauty is not skin-deep, but rather spirit-deep.

Here’s a cute story that will add meaning to what I’m proposing:

At her Golden Wedding celebration, my grandmother told guests the secret of her happy marriage: “On my wedding day, I decided to make a list of ten of my husband’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook.”

    As the guests were leaving, a young matron whose marriage had recently been in difficulty asked my grandmother what some of the faults were that she had seen fit to overlook. Grandmother said, “To tell you the truth, my dear, I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, ‘Lucky for him, that’s one of the ten!'”

I’m not sure who wrote the following, but it’ll give you ideas to start complimenting your love.

“If you are for pleasure, marry; if you prize rosy health, marry. A good wife is heaven’s last best gift to a man; his angel of mercy; minister of graces innumerable; his gem of many virtues; his box of jewels; her voice, his sweetest music; her smiles, his brightest day; her kiss, the guardian of innocence; her arms, the pale of his safety; her industry, his surest wealth; her economy, his safest steward; her lips, his faithful counsellors; her bosom, the softest pillow of his cares; and her prayers, the ablest advocates of Heaven’s blessing on his head.”

Start first by looking for GOODNESS in your spouse, and for that matter, in everyone. A person who is good is always beautiful. It’s hard to love someone you don’t respect or admire for something. So learn to say, “I love you” a hundred times a day! –And in a hundred different ways. Success in marriage is much more than finding the right person!–It’s being the right person!

There’s so much truth in the love chapter. (See 1Cor 13)  It’s a Bible chapter that all married couples should memorize. If one of you should think that his/her gifts are more valuable or important than the gifts of the other, consider these verses: “If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing“.

And before you consider giving up on love, read and apply the rest of the chapter: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs” (1Cor 13: 5-8).

You may say, “Wait a minute, you don’t know my wife.” That has nothing to do with it. I like what Margaret W. Hungerford said, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

You’ve got to look for beauty. Just look for it every day, all day and tell him/her. There’s power in your WORDS. In fact, that’s what performs the miracle. Speak out the compliments. It could be that at first you will need to force yourself to compliment your better-half. But what’s wrong with that? Exercise and training is something we’re all familiar with, and it’s all about forcing yourself.

It’s the same with overcoming bitterness. You’ve harbored so many evil thoughts about the other person, that you have to force yourself to overcome those toxic and evil thoughts. Paul says, “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Pet 4:8). “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Col 3:14).

Love is more than just a feeling. It’s a muscle that needs exercise. You’ve got to apply yourself to make it work. I mean work at it! There is a lot of work. Maybe you did not realize that love was gonna be a lot of work when you first got married. Maybe it was love at first sight, but love has many different layers of depth. And it can never be true love unless it has a lot of humility and self-denial mixed with it. 

If you have ever built a campfire you know how It has to be revived when it goes down. You just fan the embers. It’s the same with your marriage. Fan the embers with compliments and appreciation. You’ll be surprised at the results of a full fire of love and romance in your relationship again.

Marriages nowadays have become disposable. But that’s just because people are selfish and basically care only about themselves rather than taking the responsibility to make it work. No one knows how to truly make a marriage work. No one knows how to be a parent. But you can learn.

People pride themselves in learning everything they want from YouTube videos. And they proceed and do it all by themselves. Bravo… So why not decide to learn how to make your marriage work. It’s a lot of work but it’s truly a lot of fulfillment. To have real lasting, enduring and genuine love, it must be based upon a more solid foundation than mere fleshly gratification. It must be an unselfish innate desire to protect and to help and to make someone else happy.

The alternative is selfishness, self-centeredness and a lot of disastrous consequences. So count the cost before choosing divorce. In fact never, ever, consider divorce. Just blot out that word from your conversation–both of you. And just decide to make your marriage work and to make your family work.

What is needed is not a change of partners but a change in partners. Mr. Bailey, a divorce lawyer, lists as the major complaints from the 10,000 people who have passed through his office, in this order: sex, money, children, and trouble with in-laws. But he says that the real problems are selfishness and greed.

How soon marriage counseling sessions would end if husbands & wives were competing in thoughtful self-denial! A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. Marriage is a bit like buying your family home, you’ve got to adapt it, move the furniture around, paint it and even remodel it every so often. “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her“ (Ephesians 5:25).

“I do love nothing in the world so well as you.” – Much Ado About Nothing

“The way we work together is what sets our love apart,

So closely that you can’t tell where I end and where you start.”

– Clint Black.